Psychonauts What If? Issue 1
by Ronald Ray-gun
Summary: What if Lili was the hero instead of Raz?


**Psychonauts _What if? _Issue #1**

_Legal Disclaimer:I don't own jack squat! Everything in this story is to be looked on as a parody and you guys should totally not sue me, I'm extra poor. And also... I'm... a mouse. So... ya know, it'd be kinda hard to sue me._

Hello dear readers! You, like so many others, must have come to this story wondering exactly the same thing I did: What if things had taken a different turn? What if your life had been easier? What if you were blind? What if you were the most popular person around? All of these, different twists your life can take. However, no-one cares about your life. We're here to see what kind of twists and turns we can instill in the lives of the Psychonauts characters, you see, I don't like fanfictions that re-write characters or develop stories that no-one can buy, good or bad, which is why I bring you Psychonauts _What if? _Issue #1.

**_What if_ Lili was the hero?**

It's no doubt that Lili was just as much a mystery as Raz was, and as powerful as Raz's greatest defense. That is why I wondered... why can't Lili save the day? So, dear reader, read on, as the story goes as planned up until one point...

Raz and Lili had met at the beach as planned, and Raz had just finished explaining the entire thing when he saw a strange box on the beach. "That's strange." he said "I was just here this morning and didn't see this..." but before Lili could interrupt him or anyone could do anything really, Raz, the box, as well as a bit of sand, were ingested by Linda and brought across the lake, leaving behind only some bacon, her bracelet, and a psycho-portal. "Oh... well this is just fantastic..." Lili said, gathering Raz's things and quickly preparing the bathysphere for a voyage. As she sank to the bottom of the lake she had to ask, _why me?_

She didn't have time to elaborate an answer as the bathysphere hit the bubble of air and suddenly hit the lake floor with a _kludd_! Lili crawled out and looked around, seeing the only notable landmark, a giant bell, she promptly blasted it with a resounding ringing being let out across the lake. As a giant horribly mutated lake monster swam towards Lili she just had one thought that was keeping her courage up. _If I can just save Raz... I'm gonna kill him for putting me through this..._ then the monster entered the bubble, right off the bat Lili saw her chance for victory and took it. As monster unintentionally ingested nails it soon grew tired of these games and left, taking the bubble with it.

However Lili wasn't going to die at the bottom of a lake, so she quickly entered the bathysphere and followed the lake creature with it, once it stopped she exited the device and continued her psychic onslaught. Soon the monster was spent, exhausted she became worried. "Oh great, how am I going to gather information from this thing?" she said to no-one in particular, suddenly she heard muffled noises coming from insider her own head, intrigued she asked. "Er... I'm sorry could you repeat that?" and suddenly Ford Cruller's head popped out of her ear.

"Hm, I thought Raz sounded more feminine, also you need to clean your ears more often!" soon Ford explained all the details Raz had left out, like the bacon, the room in Milla's mind, and who really released the Mega-Censor. "...and that, Lili, is why when someone says to take it slowly, you better mind his words!" Cruller concluded. "Uh-huh... so anything else?" Lili asked. "Yeah, turn around!" Lili turned to see the monster getting ready to get up, so she panicked and flung the Psycho-Portal at it, promptly stunning it for a second, so she decided to handle this battle on the opponent's landscape.

There was a moment of blackness, then Lili opened her eyes to find herself in a miniature city, looking around she remarked. "...neat!" but as she did people screamed in terror. She looked down to see tiny lungfish people. They yelled and fled to the outer reaches of the city. "Ah! It's Congestica! Run!" various other remarks soon came, but all had one thing in common: Lili's new name. "Oh come on, my cold's not _that_ bad..." she said, followed by a sniffle.

One Lungfishopolan dared to speak to the giant. "Oh mighty Congestica, please hear me, our people have been trapped under the evil rule of Kochamera, would you please help us?" to which Lili promptly replied. "...'kay." The "person" was overjoyed at this. "Oh thank you Congestica, I need you to help break out the rest of the resistance from a local prison, please. For freedom!" in response Lili agreed, but wondered, was she really saving the world or playing a GTA mission?

Once the Lungfish were freed they thanked Lili, with a merit badge, to which she accepted, only to give it to Raz later, she already had five Shield badges back home. After careful planning and strategy she met at the blimp, where the plan would be revealed... unfortunately. Lili didn't care for their plan very much. "Are you a resistance or a PR firm?" she asked angrily. "We're a little of both. But our plan can't fail! A few months and the people will love you Congestica!"

"Okay, get this straight little man," Lili said, bitter and cold "If you don't come up with a better plan right now, I'm gonna smash your blimp here." to which the resistance promptly looked at each other and decided. "We now have a better plan!" to which Lili became optimistic "We will have a parade as well!" to which Lili tried to destroy to destroy the blimp, only to be shot upward above the dam. "...this works too." she said, making her way to the tower.

Eventually she reached it, but there was a body of water in the way. "We'll help you across Congestica!" said the resistance moving boats into position. "Nah, that's okay." she said, swimming across. "It's not like I'm _cursed_ or anything..." She reached the tower with minimal difficulty and soon Kochamera showed up. "Hold, giant monster... girl? I expected the goggled one to be here!" he said, proudly. "Well I hate to break it to you, but your fish monster ate him Oleander!" she responded, to which Oleander was shocked. "How did you?... no matter! You will soon join him!" thus began a giant monster battle the likes of which the world had never seen... except Japan.

As Lili won she promptly destroyed the tower, which everyone loved. She then left the monster and removed the portal. _This better work..._ she thought. Soon the monster awoke and spoke to Lili. "Thank you young one, for freeing me from the control of the short one. If there is anything I can do for you, please..." but before it could contine Lili said. "Yeah, cold ya show me what ya did to Raz?" "Ah yes..." the monster said. "The goggled one.." and the monster promptly ate Lili.

_**To be continued**_


End file.
